“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)

So Sunday Michael and I got up and went to church. Must I say the sermon was amazing, and it really felt as if the preacher was talking to me. Don't you just love when you receive such a blessing. Most of you that read my blog know whats been going on in my life lately, and how it's been a struggle to follow GOD, and live within his will for my life. Well guess what the sermon was about, “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). It was about being quite and listening to what God is trying to tell you.

If you have never heard the story of Joshua and the Walls of Jericho, be sure to read it, Its in the Book of Joshua, Chapter 15 and 16... Just google, Joshua and the walls of Jericho and you can read all about it... It was a great story of no matter how crazy it may sound God's way is the right way.

Anyways..

After Church Dean got the great Idea of going wake boarding in the freezing cold water.. So here are some pics of that.. =)
















Tomorrow is the day for Mr. Zane.. I know i keep mentioning this, but i am overly excited.. =)

Who's your daddy!!

So,,, Saturday after working all day long =(, Michael and I went out with friends for Dean and Jaime's last night out before Baby Zane's arrival. It was so great to be with the old gang, and catch up on what's been going on in every ones life. When you get older, it gets harder and harder to spend time with friends, but boy did we have a great time. I think the funniest part of the night was when Buster bought the cook a shot, and the cook looked at him and said ahh you are trying to take me home, and whacked the grill with his metal spatula repeatedly yelling WHOS YOUR DADDY, WHOS YOUR DADDY, it was definitely one of those you would of had to been there moments, but I laughed harder than I have laughed in a long time. I experience 2 new things that night, sushi and Saki, which might add were both HORRIBLE!

Only a few more days until Mr. Zane Bare will be here,, yay!

And then came Dixie

So,, Last night when I got off work, I went to the sitter to pick little miss dixie up... She is such a sweet sweet baby. Me and her went home and laid on the couch,, just cuddling. You wouldn't imagine that an 8 month old would be soo much fun, but boy are they... She laid on her tummy on my chest for an hour while we waited patiently for her mommy to arrive... I enjoyed every minute I got to spend with her. I cant wait til she's able to speak and tell me what's on her mind.. =)

I love me some dixie cheyenne..

-b

Thank your for being a friend...

In life you are lucky if you find that one person to call a true best friend. I indeed am very LUCKY. I was born with a brother, which I adore, he's not just the average everyday brother, he is my Best Friend. The word best friend means more than the definition for it (Best Friend, someone (singular or plural) with whom one shares the strongest possible kind of friendship.) It means having someone you can pour your heart out to, not matter how long it takes and they listen to every single word of it. It's knowing that if you ever needed something, no matter how far away they were, it would be done. It's knowing that you are appreciated, and very special to them.

I have been truly truly blessed, and when everything else is going the wrong way for me in life, I reflect back on all of the positives, and thank god for every day he has blessed me with a best friend. Without my brother, this life, would be so different. He has helped me through so many hard times I have faced.

A letter from my heart, to my bubba!

Joshua-

Word's cannot express how thankful I am to have such a special person in my life. You are the most inspiring, Strong willed, young man I have ever known. You have yet to experience all the many great things in life, and I hope and pray that along every step of your journey you always remember the special bond me and you have with each other. I will always be here for you, no matter what. You know that all you have to do is pick up your phone and I will stop what I am doing to tend to you, because nothing Josh, is more important than you. Thank your for every sweet word you have every said to me which brought a smile to my face, or a tear to my eye.. I will never forget all of of many memories, a few to be mentioned, All Time Low, Josh that was such an amazing night with you, I will always hold on to and cherish that night, for the rest of my life.. The Golden Girls,, =),, Thank you for tolerating every lame episode you had to endure to make me happy.. I will never forget when we were younger, probably around 2ND grade, you had done all of your valentine cards, and made everybody one, except me. I remember going into my bedroom and crying and you walked by, and seen the look on my face, and disappeared for over an hour. As it was time for me to get in bed, you came in my room and knocked on the door saying Sissy, in the sweetest little voice, You began speaking stating how sorry you was my feelings had been hurt, and you had a surprise for me, You Josh, had spent an hour on the cutest homemade valentines day card, which I would give anything to still have. I also remember one year for my birthday you wrote a letter stating the 10 things you love about me... Josh, it's all those little memories and moments we have shared that make us the adults we are today. Please never loose sight of who you are and what got you to the point you are at in life. You are strong and can do anything you put your mind to, and is music is your dream and desire, I know you will make it. Keep pushing and most of all, put your faith in God and he will lead you and for fill all the desires of your heart.

I love you Joshua James Card, from the bottom to the top of my heart. =)

Love always and for eternity- Your sissy!

Words to remember

Date: November 3, 2008

So it's 4:45 AM and I was going to text you but I didn't want to wake you up because I know you have work tomorrow, and you need your sleep.But I just wanted to let you know that I love you, Brittany. I don't tell you this enough, but I do. Your one of the only people who have always been there for me my entire life, no matter what I'm doing and where I am. I miss you so much and it sucks that we had to grow up and never really see each other anymore. But, I'm so damn proud of you and everything you have become. Your the most beautiful, caring, hard working, fun, and awesome sisters a guy could ask for. I'm so happy your life is going good, because I've seen you for 20 years and I know that you deserve every little bit of happiness you get, and every smile that's put on your face. I can't wait till the day I have a little girl and she can look up to her Aunt Brittany for inspiration, the way I've always looked up to you as my big sister. I'm sorry I haven't always been the best brother in the world, but I give you my word that I've always loved you more than anything, and I would lay my life down for you without hesitation. I will always be here for you, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I will always be here. Thank you for helping me become the man that I am, and still growing into.I love you. -Your Bubba ..

Date: July 15, 2008

(When I woke up this morning, this was what I read on my cell phone.. My brother is out of town,, but it made my day wonderful and i love himmmmm sooo veryyy much!!!!)

Happy Birthday! I love you and I'm sorry I'm not there. You're the best sister in this world, and the best thing a brother could ask for. Thank you for always being there for me, and I promise to always do the same.

i would die for that!!

Well,, what can I said, this week have been a long, rough, emotional ride for me... I feel as if things are getting harder, but I think I am just feeling feeling my emotions this week. Watch the video on my page, its a song that truly sums up the way I feel... My laptop is about to die though, so more tomorrow..

nite nite my loves..

Finding the peace within my heart

Just when everything seems to be going your way, you come to a point where you realize you are living for yourself, and making your own decisions... I am at that point right now, as much as I want to pay for my medicine today and start it, I am going to practice patience. The peace I once felt about ovulation induction, I no longer have. I feel that this is God's way of telling me it's not the right time. So I am going to continue to pray, and pray about this, and when it's time, then I will make that decision. As a wife, I want to focus all my attention on making the wonderful marriage I already have, even better. I want to know that when I bring a child into this world, they know beyond a Shadow of a doubt, their mommy and daddy are madly and truly in love, and couldn't wait to have them. I think maybe in January after the new year, we will try then. I am placing my impatience, my worries, my hopes, and most of all the hardest thing to place, my wants in God. It's hard when you want something right now, and you have the money, to not do it, but I feel in my heart that if I listen to what God is trying to tell me, and do things his way, I will get what I want sooner, rather than doing it my way and it taking forever... So for now,, no babies for Mr. and Mrs. Bell, only undivided attention to work on our hearts, and remind our self each and every day, why we fell in love.. Gosh I love that boy,, and sometimes we get distracted and get comfortable in our relationships, but I know in my heart that he is what I need ultimately, and I am so thankful to have so a wonderful kind hearted loving man. What a lucky girl I am... I know it's easy in life to focus on the negative but we need to learn to praise God and rejoice in all them positives he gives us... I am 22, I have a good job, a great husband, a brother who is my BEST FRIEND, and a mom and dad that I love with everything I have... It's been a rocky 22 years, but I can say without any hesitation, that I have enjoyed every single minute of it... Can you say that??

With Love-

B

matching words to my feelings

Sometimes you often try to explain yourself, but the words never seem to truly express what your heart feels. The last year has been a struggle for me, trying to maintain working a 40 hour plus work week, and still find time to clean house, cook dinner, wash dishes, or even time for ME.. I sometimes feel like I am walking on a rope, teetering to the left, tottering to the right, trying to keep that balance of standing in the middle... I am learning though with age comes patience, and with patience comes hope. For those of you that don't know, I have a severe case of PCOS, which is also known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. For some people, pcos, can be no big deal, with the smallest effects such as missed periods, or extreme acne, but for me I face much larger obstacles as the owner of this disease. It all started as a teen with the occasional missed period, puberty acne, slight weight gain, then it turned into extreme weight gain, horrible scarring acne, no periods... Now at 22, as a wife wanting to be a mother, I have been told, after vigorous testing trying to see why I am not conceiving, the answer was, Mrs. Bell, I am sorry but your body is not producing eggs properly in your ovaries. We are going to have to proceed with further testing. Yay, not.. =) **grinning** The final result as of last Tuesday, I have eggs, but part of possessing pcos is your body produces WAY to much insulin, which causes the eggs to under develop, which causes the eggs to never mature which would mean no need for the ovary to release the egg to advance onto fertilization (hence I am not ovulating, and it takes mommy + daddy + intercourse @ the time of ovulation to = baby).... So, my first ? after feeling my stomach drop to the floor was, OK, I can handle this, whats the solution to my problem, lets get past the problem and find a answer... That's me working on my new profound outlook on life, BEING POSITIVE, =)... Well, I have several options, Adoptions, IVF, Artificial Insemination, and then the one I choose,, OI (ovulation induction)... After a long course of discussing all the pros's and con's with the Dr and Michael, we decide to give it a shot. After all, why not... I keep going back to, if it's in God's will it will happen, but then I think about the fact that, God, what a great God, gave us amazing minds, and has blessed us with people who carry the knowledge of helping people like ME who face infertility... If you are unfamiliar with FSH it's a follicle stimulating hormone, the particular medicine my Dr wants me to use is called Follistim. What would happen is, I would start a round of Provera, (which makes your body have a period, since I don't have them naturally) then on the last day of my cycle (period) I would begin the first FSH shot, which would go in my lower abdomen... After 5 days with 1 shot per day, I would go to the Dr and they will do a ultrasound to view my eggs, hopefully by the then they will be nice and mature and ready for release, if not I would continue the shots for 2-3 more days and then go back to check. Once the eggs are mature and ready for release, I would inject myself with a different shot called HCG, which would cause the egg to release. Then you proceed with intercourse for 3 days, and then its time to play the waiting game... Take a prego test, if it's positive YAY, if not, then dust your self off, and try again the next month. After being tickled pink and completely excited about trying this process, I came to a abrupt halt on the happy roller coaster,, Aetna has decided to deny coverage on the meds.. =( not so happy Brittany!! I cried for a solid hour on the way home from the
Dr. I was completely devastated.. So once again, I am trying to be positive, next solution to my big problem, how much is self pay, (my thinking it can't be too terribly much)... **sarcastic face** For the 900 Vial of Follistim I need, it will run me around $700, for the 2 week kit of Luprolide I am looking at $75, then we have the Novarel at $125, and last but not least the HCG Injection at $85. So for one cycle, it will cost me $985, and it may or may not work... Some people conceive the first time and others don't. So its a hit or miss deal, and I am trying to decide is this something I really want to try. Of course when insurance was covering it, that was a totally different story, but now, right here at Christmas, in order to try and for fill my desire of being a mother, I am going to have to pay that large amount to try and get a shot a being a mommy... So this is where I am at in my life.. All I can do is pray and hope for the best. It's really beginning to take a toll on my life here lately, and the worst is having no one to talk to, who understands what I am going through. I am so tired of hearing if its what god wants it will happen, when you stop trying is when it happens, when you least expect it, just don't worry about it, unless you have been to this point, felt what I feel, and hurt the way I am hurting, you don't really know. Everyone that surrounds me is living my dream, it seems like when you are trying everyone is getting pregnant, but like i said my goal and my desire is to be positive, and thankful for what i do have.. Just the other night, sitting there with my hand on Jaime's tummy, and feeling that ball of life moving around was super amazing and heart felt for me.. It brings me hope that maybe just one day, I will experience that. I am super happy for all my preggers friends... All i am saying is don't complain about all of the not so enjoyable happenings, enjoy and rejoice in the fact that you are able to feel that flutter, or experience that head bunt, lol,, because sooner than later you are going to be looking into the eyes of that beautiful child and think, man, it was really all worth it... Good luck to all and congrats are in order next week for the welcoming of Mr. Zane Bare.. Yay!! I can't wait..

PS: Thank you for taking the time to read my heart...