Mommy please don't cry... (The Service)

I read the below poem at my sweet boys service on August 17th. 

It was a day I will never forget shared with our closet family members and a few kind words said by my pastor with lots of shed tears. I have never been as proud of my husband as I was that day. I can't really tell you what the pastor spoke about because to be honest the past month is sort of one big blur but I do remember standing up to read a poem that I had found the day before. This poem breaks my heart every time I read it but I also find great comfort in it. 

Daddy please don't look so sad, mommy please don't cry,

cause I am in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.

Don't think he sent me to you and then he changed his mind.

You see I am a special child and I am needed up above.

I am a special gift you gave him, the product of your love.

I will always be there with you, just watch the sky at night,

find the brightest star that's gleaming and my that's halos bright light.

You will see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.

That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze from the gentle wind that blows,

that's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,

that's me, I'll be there, to give your heart a hug.

So daddy please don't look so sad. Mommy please don't cry,

I am in arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.♥

I walked away that day feeling shattered, confused, taken back, helpless, hurt and so many more emotions that I can't even begin to described... I wasn't quite sure of anything in that moment other than the cold harsh truth that my son was no longer growing safely inside me, his soul had went to be with Jesus and his body was laying in a cold, wet, dark dirt hole which chilled me to the bone. 

(Red Flowers from The McDuffie's, White Cross from The Aspinwall's, Blue arrangement from Grannie Bell, John Deere basket from Mommy)

A few days after the service Michael and I worked with a good friends husband to design Noah's Headstone. We both wanted something simple, sweet and peaceful... After going back and forth for a few days we finally decided on what we wanted and below is the proof of what we ordered for our sweet boy.

 

Once everything was finalized the headstone was ready in just a few short days so off to the cemetery I went. It was the first time i had been there since the funeral and I could feel the knots of sorrow growing in the my stomach as I got closer and closer, the knots were filling the place my baby once lived. When I finally arrived I wasn't able to stay very long because as Florida would have it, hurricane worthy weather approached and reared its ugly head with no warning. I did leave that day know once thing and it was that I would be making a trip to the hardware sore to get a few items because my boys resting place needed a little work. 

***Warning*** This is the part where you may possibly think to yourself that I am crazy and need to see a therapist and if that is the case then you are perfectly entitled to your own opinion but let me tell you something, everyone's grief is different and I am learning that. I didn't get the opportunity to pick out paint colors or bedding for my boys room so I was bound and determined to do something special for him and it was going to be making his resting place peaceful and somewhere I felt comfortable with him being at. If that makes me crazy well then, I guess I am :) For me, those few days of going out there were very helpful and important to my grieving process. I felt as if I had no control in regards to all the things that were happening around me and that was something I could control.  

After several trips to Lowes and Home depot I finally make it back to the cemetery and it all started with the border... This stuff was so very annoying and a pain to work with, at least for me. As I sat there alone putting the boarder together and hammering it in the ground, I started thinking about all the things I wouldn't get to do with my son. I will never be able to kiss him to sleep or bandage his scraped knee, things I have dreamed about for years when I thought about being a mom. I thought putting together the boarder would be as close to putting together his crib as I would ever get. I pounded that boarder into the earth, HARDER and HARDER with every thought. It didn't take long before the thoughts turned to tears and the tears turned to sobs and the sobs turned to screams.

Alone in a cemetery, covered in dirt and drenched in sweat I started to grieve for the first time. 

Below are pictures of everything once we finished...

I love you Noah!! <3

Kindness does matter!

Today's world is so advanced in regards to technology that it just amazes me sometimes. The fact that I can unlock my car with my keys in the bottom of my purse still befuddles me. Things come so easily that you once had to work for. I was thinking yesterday as I was mowing part of our property for Michael that I can't imagine the days when folks walked behind horses plowing hundreds of acreage just so they could feed their family. Sometimes we take riding around in a air conditioned John Deere with radio for granite.

It's very easy to get caught up in communicating electronically in this age rather than "reaching" out to people and having a real relationship with them. Now don't get me wrong I am just as guilty as anyone for this. However, I am the gal who a hand written card means more than $100 bucks to Ulta, that's just me and I have always felt that way... I love the simple way of life but don't get me wrong I can't imagine typing this blog on anything other than my MacBook Pro... 2013 has it's positives but sooo many negatives.

I really found myself thinking last night, What have I done to deserve the people in my life that surround me and encourage me through times of sorrow. I feel less than worthy of the kind words and expression of grief that friends and family are feeling for me and with me.

Over the past week I have received a card in the mail almost every day and sometimes two a day. If you could be there when I open them you would see the biggest smile from ear to ear because to me there is nothing like opening up a piece of mail and reading words that someone took time out of their busy electronic life to let me know I was on their mind. I even got two cards from people that I don't know and have never met. To those of you that have sent us a card, THANK YOU... THANK YOU... THANK YOU... It has brought me happiness and made my heart smile which is more than I could ever repay you for.

I also received a VERY SPECIAL PACKAGE in the mail yesterday... Something that brought tears to my eyes as soon as I opened it... I even held it in my hand last night while watching a movie... Instead of explaining it to you, I will show you pictures :)

Mrs. Kathy-

I can't even begin to explain to you what this gift means to me. Although I will always carry sweet Noah in my heart forever, last night I felt like I was actually able to hold onto something and cling to it. My arms have truly been aching for the past 17 days since I held him for the first and last time and last night when I held that heart in my hands they quit. You are such a blessing to me and I am so thankful for Carly bringing us together in all of her sweetness. God's plans is so much bigger than us... ALL MY LOVE!!!

Now there are a few more people that I owe special thanks too, I truly believe I could be in a very dark place if it wasn't for all the folks who were there for me to get me through this dark time. Not that I am 100% healed and my heart feels whole again but every persons act of compassion has helped me take one more step closer to feeling some type of happiness and healing.

My work family- You have been amazing... From flowers, to clothes, to cards, to daily texts and phone calls to check on me, to visits, to dinners- THANK YOU. I needed this time to recover and find peace with what happened and I could never repay you for that time you allowed me.

Chad with Etched Impressions- Thank you so much for making Noah's Headstone. We love it and I will post pics on my next blog of Noah's perfect peaceful resting place.

Ellis with Callahan Funeral Home- Thank you for taking sweet care of my little boy before we buried him. You were so kind and caring.

Terri with Callahan Flowers and More- His arrangement was beautiful, it was everything I imagined and I couldn't have asked for more.

The Aspinwalls- The Cross was beautiful, THANK YOU...

Lastly- My family... If I even begin to thank each of you individually then this would be the worlds longest blog :) You know I love you and I really couldn't have done all of this without you.

Now I must go and get ready to celebrate some good ole football... GOOO DAWGS :)

Until next time..

XOXO Brittany!

I'm Back!!!

It's been over 3 years since I have blogged and oh boy has a lot changed in the past 3 years. It would be impossible to fill you in on what you've missed but I can try to sum it up with a few key points...

1. I celebrated my 25th, 26th and 27th birthday

2. I celebrated my 4th, 5th and 6th year of marriage to my dear husband

3. I started working for a staffing agency (Remedy)

4. I became the manager of that staffing agency

5. I fell more in love with my husband than I could have ever imagined

6. I lost my grandmother and great grandmother

7. I found out that a YES+ would make me the happiest I had ever been

8. I buried my son, Noah

August 14, 2013 will be a day that I will never forget. It is a day that is forever etched into my heart as the day I painfully said hello and goodbye to my first child, my precious son, my baby, MY HEART.

I won't go into all the details tonight but I want to share my experience with loosing my first child while I "thought" I was safely carrying him within my womb and by writing I can do that. I am going to share with you my innermost thoughts, good and bad. 

I want to tell you that even though people keep telling me "miscarriages happen all the time" and "it was meant to be" the pain is unbearable at times.

I actually dislike the word miscarriage and if we want to be politically correct, that's not what I had... The technical term for what I experienced was Missed Abortion which means "delayed or silent miscarriage"... I actually can't stand the second part of that term either because I didn't have a choice in the matter. So for the sake of making myself happy in a sad situation, we will say that I delivered a precious, beautiful, sleeping little boy.

I want to tell you that I understand it's God's will and I do know that my son is in heaven with his heavenly father and will never have to know pain or sorrow, BUT it still hurts.

I also want to tell you that everyone handles these situations differently and that's OK. There is no right or wrong way in my opinion. There is not a one size fits all grief shirt that you can put on, but my way of grieving is what is right for me, right now at least. 

My life has changed, it changed forever. Now I am trying to learn how to deal with this change, how to cope with the loss of a dream that I originally thought was unreachable. 

It has been 12 days since I found out that my son had left this world to be with Jesus and in those 12 days I have experienced every emotion known to mankind except for one... One emotion that I am clinging to God and begging him to guard my heart from is ANGER. I will not be angry with the God who chose me to carry Noah 15 short weeks. It's so bittersweet because I wanted nothing more than to give Michael a son, to feel him kick, to rock him to sleep, to nurse him and to calm him when he cried.

Don't quit reading just yet. I am going to end this blog tonight in a prayer and I ask that you keep reading and allow God to touch your heart. You may think that I am silly and that prayer doesn't work, you may even believe that there is no God, but my friend there is... He is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and end. Please let him into your life, allow him to do a mighty work on you like he has been doing on me the past 3 years. It's not an easy road, its a path that is straight and narrow to eternal life but won't you come and go with me? I am not perfect by any means and fall down and stumble often but I know God's glory is always there waiting to pick me right back up.

Dear Lord-

I am beginning to understand that the pain will never go away, but I will learn to live with it because God you promised that you would provide peace and Lord I am begging you to fill me with your peace that passes all understanding... (Philippians 4:7) Lord he was yours to begin with for you are the one who formed him in my womb and I acknowledge and give praise to you for showing me a small glimpse of what being a mother could be like. I thank you for sacrificing your own son so that I can rest in assurance that I WILL see my son again one day. Thank you for saving me and for giving me peace that only you can. Lord I pray for peace and comfort for all who have lost a child whether in the womb or outside. God, I pray that through my experience others will learn to lean on you and trust in your word and understand that you do nothing by mistake. God I ask that you touch every person who reads this and you bless them spiritually beyond measures. Thank you for all your many blessing dear lord. 

Amen