I'm Back!!!

It's been over 3 years since I have blogged and oh boy has a lot changed in the past 3 years. It would be impossible to fill you in on what you've missed but I can try to sum it up with a few key points...

1. I celebrated my 25th, 26th and 27th birthday

2. I celebrated my 4th, 5th and 6th year of marriage to my dear husband

3. I started working for a staffing agency (Remedy)

4. I became the manager of that staffing agency

5. I fell more in love with my husband than I could have ever imagined

6. I lost my grandmother and great grandmother

7. I found out that a YES+ would make me the happiest I had ever been

8. I buried my son, Noah

August 14, 2013 will be a day that I will never forget. It is a day that is forever etched into my heart as the day I painfully said hello and goodbye to my first child, my precious son, my baby, MY HEART.

I won't go into all the details tonight but I want to share my experience with loosing my first child while I "thought" I was safely carrying him within my womb and by writing I can do that. I am going to share with you my innermost thoughts, good and bad. 

I want to tell you that even though people keep telling me "miscarriages happen all the time" and "it was meant to be" the pain is unbearable at times.

I actually dislike the word miscarriage and if we want to be politically correct, that's not what I had... The technical term for what I experienced was Missed Abortion which means "delayed or silent miscarriage"... I actually can't stand the second part of that term either because I didn't have a choice in the matter. So for the sake of making myself happy in a sad situation, we will say that I delivered a precious, beautiful, sleeping little boy.

I want to tell you that I understand it's God's will and I do know that my son is in heaven with his heavenly father and will never have to know pain or sorrow, BUT it still hurts.

I also want to tell you that everyone handles these situations differently and that's OK. There is no right or wrong way in my opinion. There is not a one size fits all grief shirt that you can put on, but my way of grieving is what is right for me, right now at least. 

My life has changed, it changed forever. Now I am trying to learn how to deal with this change, how to cope with the loss of a dream that I originally thought was unreachable. 

It has been 12 days since I found out that my son had left this world to be with Jesus and in those 12 days I have experienced every emotion known to mankind except for one... One emotion that I am clinging to God and begging him to guard my heart from is ANGER. I will not be angry with the God who chose me to carry Noah 15 short weeks. It's so bittersweet because I wanted nothing more than to give Michael a son, to feel him kick, to rock him to sleep, to nurse him and to calm him when he cried.

Don't quit reading just yet. I am going to end this blog tonight in a prayer and I ask that you keep reading and allow God to touch your heart. You may think that I am silly and that prayer doesn't work, you may even believe that there is no God, but my friend there is... He is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and end. Please let him into your life, allow him to do a mighty work on you like he has been doing on me the past 3 years. It's not an easy road, its a path that is straight and narrow to eternal life but won't you come and go with me? I am not perfect by any means and fall down and stumble often but I know God's glory is always there waiting to pick me right back up.

Dear Lord-

I am beginning to understand that the pain will never go away, but I will learn to live with it because God you promised that you would provide peace and Lord I am begging you to fill me with your peace that passes all understanding... (Philippians 4:7) Lord he was yours to begin with for you are the one who formed him in my womb and I acknowledge and give praise to you for showing me a small glimpse of what being a mother could be like. I thank you for sacrificing your own son so that I can rest in assurance that I WILL see my son again one day. Thank you for saving me and for giving me peace that only you can. Lord I pray for peace and comfort for all who have lost a child whether in the womb or outside. God, I pray that through my experience others will learn to lean on you and trust in your word and understand that you do nothing by mistake. God I ask that you touch every person who reads this and you bless them spiritually beyond measures. Thank you for all your many blessing dear lord. 

Amen

Under Construction

I have made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. We all have things we desire and want. What do you do when you have to choose between the 2? As you all know I want a baby more than anything in this world, but I am to the point to where the Dr said do you want a baby now, or do you want to stop trying for a while, go back on the birth control and work on getting your body healthy and making a lifestyle change. Part of me says no, I want the baby now, knowing that I can possibly be pregnant in the next 3 weeks if I wanted makes me want to leap with joy, to jump up and down, to scream, to cry, but then there's the logical side of me that says, Brittany, you are young, loose weight now, while you can, it will only be harder after a child. So what do you do? I wish I could do both, but once I become pregnant I know that loosing weight isn't a option. So I have made the hardest decision by going back on the pill... The thought of the pill, freaks me out, but the Dr said that at any time I decide, I'M READY, I can quit taking it and within days start the fertility medication, so that is some what of a relief. For now the only agenda on my calender is involving healthy eating, working out, and mostly preparing my body for a safe and healthy pregnancy. So no kiddos from me for the next several months. My plan is to stick to weight watchers and then reassess myself in July. I would love to loose about 50lbs then quit the birth control, but we will see. Nothing is set in stone, and ultimately it's in God's hands. Please still be praying for me, this is something that is hard for me to do, when I have spent the last year trying to become pregnant to stop it now and focus on my health seems like the right choice, but how do I know for sure? I guess it just seems like the smartest choice to me! I guess for now, Brittany is "under construction."

I also want to wish the best of luck for The Higginbotham's, they will be welcoming their little cowboy Tucker tomorrow. Please keep them in your prayers for a safe and painless (thought i would throw that in there for ya Jen..) birthing.

Until next time,

Brittany

matching words to my feelings

Sometimes you often try to explain yourself, but the words never seem to truly express what your heart feels. The last year has been a struggle for me, trying to maintain working a 40 hour plus work week, and still find time to clean house, cook dinner, wash dishes, or even time for ME.. I sometimes feel like I am walking on a rope, teetering to the left, tottering to the right, trying to keep that balance of standing in the middle... I am learning though with age comes patience, and with patience comes hope. For those of you that don't know, I have a severe case of PCOS, which is also known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. For some people, pcos, can be no big deal, with the smallest effects such as missed periods, or extreme acne, but for me I face much larger obstacles as the owner of this disease. It all started as a teen with the occasional missed period, puberty acne, slight weight gain, then it turned into extreme weight gain, horrible scarring acne, no periods... Now at 22, as a wife wanting to be a mother, I have been told, after vigorous testing trying to see why I am not conceiving, the answer was, Mrs. Bell, I am sorry but your body is not producing eggs properly in your ovaries. We are going to have to proceed with further testing. Yay, not.. =) **grinning** The final result as of last Tuesday, I have eggs, but part of possessing pcos is your body produces WAY to much insulin, which causes the eggs to under develop, which causes the eggs to never mature which would mean no need for the ovary to release the egg to advance onto fertilization (hence I am not ovulating, and it takes mommy + daddy + intercourse @ the time of ovulation to = baby).... So, my first ? after feeling my stomach drop to the floor was, OK, I can handle this, whats the solution to my problem, lets get past the problem and find a answer... That's me working on my new profound outlook on life, BEING POSITIVE, =)... Well, I have several options, Adoptions, IVF, Artificial Insemination, and then the one I choose,, OI (ovulation induction)... After a long course of discussing all the pros's and con's with the Dr and Michael, we decide to give it a shot. After all, why not... I keep going back to, if it's in God's will it will happen, but then I think about the fact that, God, what a great God, gave us amazing minds, and has blessed us with people who carry the knowledge of helping people like ME who face infertility... If you are unfamiliar with FSH it's a follicle stimulating hormone, the particular medicine my Dr wants me to use is called Follistim. What would happen is, I would start a round of Provera, (which makes your body have a period, since I don't have them naturally) then on the last day of my cycle (period) I would begin the first FSH shot, which would go in my lower abdomen... After 5 days with 1 shot per day, I would go to the Dr and they will do a ultrasound to view my eggs, hopefully by the then they will be nice and mature and ready for release, if not I would continue the shots for 2-3 more days and then go back to check. Once the eggs are mature and ready for release, I would inject myself with a different shot called HCG, which would cause the egg to release. Then you proceed with intercourse for 3 days, and then its time to play the waiting game... Take a prego test, if it's positive YAY, if not, then dust your self off, and try again the next month. After being tickled pink and completely excited about trying this process, I came to a abrupt halt on the happy roller coaster,, Aetna has decided to deny coverage on the meds.. =( not so happy Brittany!! I cried for a solid hour on the way home from the
Dr. I was completely devastated.. So once again, I am trying to be positive, next solution to my big problem, how much is self pay, (my thinking it can't be too terribly much)... **sarcastic face** For the 900 Vial of Follistim I need, it will run me around $700, for the 2 week kit of Luprolide I am looking at $75, then we have the Novarel at $125, and last but not least the HCG Injection at $85. So for one cycle, it will cost me $985, and it may or may not work... Some people conceive the first time and others don't. So its a hit or miss deal, and I am trying to decide is this something I really want to try. Of course when insurance was covering it, that was a totally different story, but now, right here at Christmas, in order to try and for fill my desire of being a mother, I am going to have to pay that large amount to try and get a shot a being a mommy... So this is where I am at in my life.. All I can do is pray and hope for the best. It's really beginning to take a toll on my life here lately, and the worst is having no one to talk to, who understands what I am going through. I am so tired of hearing if its what god wants it will happen, when you stop trying is when it happens, when you least expect it, just don't worry about it, unless you have been to this point, felt what I feel, and hurt the way I am hurting, you don't really know. Everyone that surrounds me is living my dream, it seems like when you are trying everyone is getting pregnant, but like i said my goal and my desire is to be positive, and thankful for what i do have.. Just the other night, sitting there with my hand on Jaime's tummy, and feeling that ball of life moving around was super amazing and heart felt for me.. It brings me hope that maybe just one day, I will experience that. I am super happy for all my preggers friends... All i am saying is don't complain about all of the not so enjoyable happenings, enjoy and rejoice in the fact that you are able to feel that flutter, or experience that head bunt, lol,, because sooner than later you are going to be looking into the eyes of that beautiful child and think, man, it was really all worth it... Good luck to all and congrats are in order next week for the welcoming of Mr. Zane Bare.. Yay!! I can't wait..

PS: Thank you for taking the time to read my heart...