Monday, August 26, 2013

I'm Back!!!

It's been over 3 years since I have blogged and oh boy has a lot changed in the past 3 years. It would be impossible to fill you in on what you've missed but I can try to sum it up with a few key points...

1. I celebrated my 25th, 26th and 27th birthday
2. I celebrated my 4th, 5th and 6th year of marriage to my dear husband
3. I started working for a staffing agency (Remedy)
4. I became the manager of that staffing agency
5. I fell more in love with my husband than I could have ever imagined
6. I lost my grandmother and great grandmother
7. I found out that a YES+ would make me the happiest I had ever been

8. I buried my son, Noah

August 14, 2013 will be a day that I will never forget. It is a day that is forever etched into my heart as the day I painfully said hello and goodbye to my first child, my precious son, my baby, MY HEART.

I won't go into all the details tonight but I want to share my experience with loosing my first child while I "thought" I was safely carrying him within my womb and by writing I can do that. I am going to share with you my innermost thoughts, good and bad. 

I want to tell you that even though people keep telling me "miscarriages happen all the time" and "it was meant to be" the pain is unbearable at times.

I actually dislike the word miscarriage and if we want to be politically correct, that's not what I had... The technical term for what I experienced was Missed Abortion which means "delayed or silent miscarriage"... I actually can't stand the second part of that term either because I didn't have a choice in the matter. So for the sake of making myself happy in a sad situation, we will say that I delivered a precious, beautiful, sleeping little boy.

I want to tell you that I understand it's God's will and I do know that my son is in heaven with his heavenly father and will never have to know pain or sorrow, BUT it still hurts.

I also want to tell you that everyone handles these situations differently and that's OK. There is no right or wrong way in my opinion. There is not a one size fits all grief shirt that you can put on, but my way of grieving is what is right for me, right now at least. 

My life has changed, it changed forever. Now I am trying to learn how to deal with this change, how to cope with the loss of a dream that I originally thought was unreachable. 

It has been 12 days since I found out that my son had left this world to be with Jesus and in those 12 days I have experienced every emotion known to mankind except for one... One emotion that I am clinging to God and begging him to guard my heart from is ANGER. I will not be angry with the God who chose me to carry Noah 15 short weeks. It's so bittersweet because I wanted nothing more than to give Michael a son, to feel him kick, to rock him to sleep, to nurse him and to calm him when he cried.

Don't quit reading just yet. I am going to end this blog tonight in a prayer and I ask that you keep reading and allow God to touch your heart. You may think that I am silly and that prayer doesn't work, you may even believe that there is no God, but my friend there is... He is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and end. Please let him into your life, allow him to do a mighty work on you like he has been doing on me the past 3 years. It's not an easy road, its a path that is straight and narrow to eternal life but won't you come and go with me? I am not perfect by any means and fall down and stumble often but I know God's glory is always there waiting to pick me right back up.

Dear Lord-

I am beginning to understand that the pain will never go away, but I will learn to live with it because God you promised that you would provide peace and Lord I am begging you to fill me with your peace that passes all understanding... (Philippians 4:7) Lord he was yours to begin with for you are the one who formed him in my womb and I acknowledge and give praise to you for showing me a small glimpse of what being a mother could be like. I thank you for sacrificing your own son so that I can rest in assurance that I WILL see my son again one day. Thank you for saving me and for giving me peace that only you can. Lord I pray for peace and comfort for all who have lost a child whether in the womb or outside. God, I pray that through my experience others will learn to lean on you and trust in your word and understand that you do nothing by mistake. God I ask that you touch every person who reads this and you bless them spiritually beyond measures. Thank you for all your many blessing dear lord. 

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