Monday, November 10, 2008

matching words to my feelings

Sometimes you often try to explain yourself, but the words never seem to truly express what your heart feels. The last year has been a struggle for me, trying to maintain working a 40 hour plus work week, and still find time to clean house, cook dinner, wash dishes, or even time for ME.. I sometimes feel like I am walking on a rope, teetering to the left, tottering to the right, trying to keep that balance of standing in the middle... I am learning though with age comes patience, and with patience comes hope. For those of you that don't know, I have a severe case of PCOS, which is also known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. For some people, pcos, can be no big deal, with the smallest effects such as missed periods, or extreme acne, but for me I face much larger obstacles as the owner of this disease. It all started as a teen with the occasional missed period, puberty acne, slight weight gain, then it turned into extreme weight gain, horrible scarring acne, no periods... Now at 22, as a wife wanting to be a mother, I have been told, after vigorous testing trying to see why I am not conceiving, the answer was, Mrs. Bell, I am sorry but your body is not producing eggs properly in your ovaries. We are going to have to proceed with further testing. Yay, not.. =) **grinning** The final result as of last Tuesday, I have eggs, but part of possessing pcos is your body produces WAY to much insulin, which causes the eggs to under develop, which causes the eggs to never mature which would mean no need for the ovary to release the egg to advance onto fertilization (hence I am not ovulating, and it takes mommy + daddy + intercourse @ the time of ovulation to = baby).... So, my first ? after feeling my stomach drop to the floor was, OK, I can handle this, whats the solution to my problem, lets get past the problem and find a answer... That's me working on my new profound outlook on life, BEING POSITIVE, =)... Well, I have several options, Adoptions, IVF, Artificial Insemination, and then the one I choose,, OI (ovulation induction)... After a long course of discussing all the pros's and con's with the Dr and Michael, we decide to give it a shot. After all, why not... I keep going back to, if it's in God's will it will happen, but then I think about the fact that, God, what a great God, gave us amazing minds, and has blessed us with people who carry the knowledge of helping people like ME who face infertility... If you are unfamiliar with FSH it's a follicle stimulating hormone, the particular medicine my Dr wants me to use is called Follistim. What would happen is, I would start a round of Provera, (which makes your body have a period, since I don't have them naturally) then on the last day of my cycle (period) I would begin the first FSH shot, which would go in my lower abdomen... After 5 days with 1 shot per day, I would go to the Dr and they will do a ultrasound to view my eggs, hopefully by the then they will be nice and mature and ready for release, if not I would continue the shots for 2-3 more days and then go back to check. Once the eggs are mature and ready for release, I would inject myself with a different shot called HCG, which would cause the egg to release. Then you proceed with intercourse for 3 days, and then its time to play the waiting game... Take a prego test, if it's positive YAY, if not, then dust your self off, and try again the next month. After being tickled pink and completely excited about trying this process, I came to a abrupt halt on the happy roller coaster,, Aetna has decided to deny coverage on the meds.. =( not so happy Brittany!! I cried for a solid hour on the way home from the
Dr. I was completely devastated.. So once again, I am trying to be positive, next solution to my big problem, how much is self pay, (my thinking it can't be too terribly much)... **sarcastic face** For the 900 Vial of Follistim
 I need, it will run me around $700, for the 2 week kit of Luprolide I am looking at $75, then we have the Novarel at $125, and last but not least the HCG Injection at $85. So for one cycle, it will cost me $985, and it may or may not work... Some people conceive the first time and others don't. So its a hit or miss deal, and I am trying to decide is this something I really want to try. Of course when insurance was covering it, that was a totally different story, but now, right here at Christmas, in order to try and for fill my desire of being a mother, I am going to have to pay that large amount to try and get a shot a being a mommy... So this is where I am at in my life.. All I can do is pray and hope for the best. It's really beginning to take a toll on my life here lately, and the worst is having no one to talk to, who understands what I am going through. I am so tired of hearing if its what god wants it will happen, when you stop trying is when it happens, when you least expect it, just don't worry about it, unless you have been to this point, felt what I feel, and hurt the way I am hurting, you don't really know. Everyone that surrounds me is living my dream, it seems like when you are trying everyone is getting pregnant, but like i said my goal and my desire is to be positive, and thankful for what i do have.. Just the other night, sitting there with my hand on Jaime's tummy, and feeling that ball of life moving around was super amazing and heart felt for me.. It brings me hope that maybe just one day, I will experience that. I am super happy for all my preggers friends... All i am saying is don't complain about all of the not so enjoyable happenings, enjoy and rejoice in the fact that you are able to feel that flutter, or experience that head bunt, lol,, because sooner than later you are going to be looking into the eyes of that beautiful child and think, man, it was really all worth it... Good luck to all and congrats are in order next week for the welcoming of Mr. Zane Bare.. Yay!! I can't wait..

PS: Thank you for taking the time to read my heart...

3 comments:

Amanda Faye said...

Hey there, Well let me begin by saying I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. With Nick having CF the only way we can have children is IVF... Which is A lovely 1500.00 and then there is that chance it may not work. If it does I will probally end up with 10 children LOL. Anyways I know how it feels to be somewhere and see A mother with their child and inside want that so much. For me it is even harder because I feel like I cant talk about it with my husband because then I feel like im making him feeling like lesser of A man. Anyways I am here if you ever need to talk. I just wanted you to know that there are ALOT of people out there who are going through the same thing. Feel free to message me and vent cause I am in the same boat as far as not having anyone to talk to about it. Love you and things will work out HAVE FAITH... BTW read our blog their is one on there called baby blues that is ALL about this LOL XOXO

Jennifer said...

I don't know 'exactly' where you are coming from but I can say I understand your desire to be a mother. Keep your faith in God, continue to pray and seek HIS will in your life. Money is a big deal, but remember what is over our head is under God's feet. There is no problem to big for Him, we just have to remember to let go and let Him. Easier said then done.... remember, I tried this go around for almost a solid year and He carried me and picked me up every month I felt alone and hopeless. Our God is amazing and He will get you through this, I promise!!! Keeping you in my prayers... God bless!

Britt's Mom said...

I understand how much you want to be a mom - I was blessed by receiving the two most precious gifts of my life - YOU and your brother. What you don't see is how much a mother hurts when her babies hurt. I know you are disappointed, confused and depressed about the latest turn of events... but baby keep your faith.I hurt with you, I hurt for you. But one day I also know I will cry with you and cry for you, when you feel your little ones love and know that your heartbeats will always play in tune with one another. On the bright side - yes this procedure will be expensive. Children are expensive so get ready - the fun has just begun. You, little princess, knew what brand name clothes were before you could walk! I love you baby and as much as I want to be a grandmother, I just want you to be happy and know how much I love you and admire you for your strength. Mommy